S1,
A part of me really wished and hoped that you would have done something to save this. I felt sad that every time I typed www.6besties.blogspot.com to see nothing from you. I hoped that you wouldn't be like last time that you would actually make an effort. What I said may have been harsh or may have hurt you but I only wrote it because I couldn't go on pretending that everything was okay when deep inside me I felt so much trouble and hurt. I kept it inside me for so long because I didn't want to hurt anyone or the friendship but I just couldn't do it anymore because things were about to go back to how it was again last time. Pretend we made up but actually we still don't like each other or more like you don't like me. I can't change who I am to suit your mood or your way because I am who I am. I have flaws, I have issues yes but I'm not gonna change to make you happy. You have your own flaws but I don't expect you to change, I don't expect you to please me or whatever. I accepted you for who you were but sadly you couldn't for me. I really thought that you were my best friend. I always thought that you would always be my best friend that could understand me. I told you everything. But you betrayed me. I loved hanging out with you. I look at all the pictures and I'm like damn I miss those moments. I miss laughing at the most stupidest things with you. All the boy giggles, the fun I thought I had with you. I think back of all the times we stayed over each other's houses and talk all sort of nonsense.
I guess you don't really need me or anyone of us maybe except for lil A and A. I am disappointed that you don't want this. I am sad and I am hurt. But I can't change your mind or how you think about something to please me. I hoped that somehow things would have changed. I have people asking me "You know what just ditch everything, just ditch her."" Why are you even doing this?""Why do you even want friends like this?" I don't even know how to answer. A part of me says because you're my best friend and no matter how mad I am with you, you would always be my best friend. I may have ignored you, I may have said stuff about you, I may have treated you like crapped but whenever I say I'm sorry to you I meant everything. I may have said I don't even wanna do this anymore, I don't wanna be your friend, I give up but I didn't want to. I kept holding on to the fact that one day you'll change, one day all this will be stupid and gone. But it's not. I'm in Canada now and I miss having a best friend like you. I want to tell you about everything that has happened, I wanna know what's going on in Oklahoma. I came to Canada and I told myself I'm gonna make right to all my wrongs. But when I came here, I lost two people that meant so much to me. One was you, S1 and the other was TK.
But you know what S1? I can only do until so much until I can't do anything anymore. I don't wanna push you, I don't wanna force you and I don't wanna be a burden and trouble to you and your family. I am trying so hard to not cry right now while typing this. But if you don't wanna do this anymore then I can't do anything anymore. Because it's your decisions.
I hope that one day you can realize that I did this only so that I could have my best friend back. I still care for you. At times i ask the other girls how you are not because I have to but because I want to. I hope all is well for you right now. Maybe one day long long time from now we can look back and laugh at all this.
For now, I'm done. I'm sorry guys, I can't do this anymore. I have way too many problems of my own that I'm trying to deal with. I can't go on pretending anymore. I'm sorry if I disappointed you or if I let go so fast but this has hurt me so much. More than a heartbreak from TK. Because every little thing is pulling me down, and hurting me even more. And maybe when you guys all sort your problems out, we should just close this blog. It's no point anymore. I hope you understand this. I really do hope you would, and maybe if you open your heart and mind a bit bigger you may understand me. I am hurt you guys, I really am. I wouldn't push you guys to do something that would hurt you so please don't do this to me.
I love you all with all my heart,
C
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