I have a dirty mouth. Wipe it clean.

Warning: This post talks about a lot of things related to me.

I feel used and useless. I think I'm losing my friends. I'm 'socially deprived'- I really am. I'm lost and confused. Sometimes, I don't know what to do. I don't know if what I'm doing is right. Or wrong. Should I just stop and drop whatever I'm doing? It gets me really frustrated. People say I over think, but that's just me. I think. I like to think. I think that I like to over think which is weird. I wish I was born with guts. I want to have guts to speak my mind. What really worries me is what people think of me. That's my biggest worry. I just don't know how to be myself. I want to just be myself which is pretty hard for me. I mean, I want my first impression to be a good one. Who doesn't, right? Suck balls, suck candies. Suck balls of candies.

Life, now, is pretty hard for me. Life's a bitch. Deal with it. Thinking about my education and my future is terrifying. Where the hell will I be in 5 years? 10 years? What will I be doing? To be honest, my studies aren't going very well. Or as well as I expected. Peer pressure is one of the issues I'm 'dealing' with. When you get to college and when you meet all sorts of people, then maybe, you'd understand. I wasn't pressured into drinking nor was I pressured into smoking. I've always liked the taste of alcohol. I've been drinking for three Wednesdays in a row; I've been high for three Wednesdays in a row. I've stopped for the time being; I shall continue after my finals. One of my biggest sin in profanity, I admit. Yes, I've been using cuss words all this while, but now, my mouth is as dirty as a garbage truck. I got my friend to like, 'punish' me whenever I say the f-word; RM1 per f-word. Going broke. Know what he said? He said, "I can be a billionaire already." The worst part, I don't know if I'm pressured into getting involved. I don't think I am. I know I'm not. But my Mom thinks so. But I really am not. I would know myself.

And then, there's D. He is just, I don't know, a huge distraction. I still like him, I admit. I like him a lot, but I don't think I should. His actions are misleading. I have not seen him in awhile and I miss him. I don't want to see him anytime soon. I hope to see him tomorrow though. Know what? I just realized, we're both touchy and flirtatious towards each other only when we're out and drinking. But there's this other side of him which is really sweet; he waits with me until I go home after our class. And, he sits beside me in class, and we talk, and we play Tic-Tac-Toe and Connect The Dots together during lectures. What do these mean?! I want answers.


--S1